Johnny Depp's Wild Tea Party
by VioletRose13
Summary: What would happen if some of the most iconic characters portrayed by Johnny Depp ended up in the same room together?
1. Act 1, Scene 1

**Act 1, Scene 1**

_(A spotlight shines on Johnny Depp as he walks to the middle of the stage)_

Johnny Depp: _(clears throat)_ Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening and welcome to Johnny Depp's Wild Tea Party. Now I know what you're thinking, this is probably a show dedicated to all of the cooler movie roles I've played. But you'd be right _and_ wrong at the same time; apparently tonight's show is dedicated to a few of my _stranger_ and more _complex_ movie roles. So I thought I would give this opportunity to– _(a loud gunshot is heard and the lights abruptly turn off)_ Huh? Okay, everyone, just relax; there's no reason to panic. I'm sure that was just a—

Captain Jack Sparrow: Everyone, stay calm! I'm taking over this ship! _(runs onto the stage and stops in front of Johnny Depp as a spotlight shines on them both)_

Johnny Depp_ (under his breath)_: Oh man…

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(looks at Johnny curiously)_ Who the bugger are you, mate?

Johnny Depp: I'm Johnny Depp.

Captain Jack Sparrow: That'd be short for John, I imagine. Are you the captain of this vessel, Master Depp?

Johnny Depp: What? No, this isn't a ship, pal; this is a _stage_. And I'm the host of this show.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Host? Show? As in… a _production_ of some form, a play?

Johnny Depp: Sort of… Wait a second, what the heck are you even doing here? Do you have a ticket?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Um… define ticket.

Johnny Depp: _(sighs)_ Just as I thought. Pal, if you don't have a ticket, then I'm afraid—

Will Turner: Jack! Jack Sparrow! _(walks onto the stage from stage-right with Elizabeth Swann and stops in front of Jack and Johnny)_

Captain Jack Sparrow _(under his breath)_: Here we go…

Elizabeth Swann: There you are!

Will Turner: We've been looking for you.

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(sighs)_ Have you now? That's very kind of you both. Tell me, do either of you know anything about this stage show that's currently being put on?

Will Turner: No.

Elizabeth Swann: No. _(notices something white speckled in Jack's dreadlocks)_ Wait, Jack. What's that in your hair?

Captain Jack Sparrow: What's what?

Elizabeth Swann: Let me see. _(wipes her finger through Jack's dreads and examines the substance)_ It feels… cold and wet. This almost looks like ice… or even _snow_.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hmmm… _(looks at his dreads and notices the specks of white starting to melt)_ …That's interesting.

Will Turner: Snow? But how can that be?

Kim Boggs: I think that might be because of _us_. _(walks onto the stage with Edward Scissorhands at her side)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Who are you?

Kim Boggs: I'm Kim Boggs… and you are?

Will Turner: My name is Will Turner and this is Elizabeth Swann.

Elizabeth Swann: Hello.

Kim Boggs _(simultaneously)_: Hi.

Edward Scissorhands: _(looks at Jack Sparrow curiously)_ Who are you?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Me? Well, _(clears throat)_ I just so happen to be… Captain Jack Sparrow. And what's _your_ name, boy?

Edward Scissorhands _(shyly)_: Edward… _(slowly shuffles towards Jack)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Edward, a good strong name. _(looks at Edward and gives him a small smile)_ It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Edward. _(calmly reaches out his hand to Edward. Edward smiles and reaches out his right hand to Jack, but Jack cries out in surprise at the sight of the huge blades. He backs away from Edward, takes out his sword, and points it at him)_ Put those things away, boy! _(Edward gasps and backs away from Jack's sword in fear)_ What are you trying to do, kill me?!

Edward Scissorhands: No, I'm sorry!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Likely story.

Johnny Depp _(hushed)_: _(covers his eyes with one hand and shakes his head)_ Oh boy, here we go… _(normal voice and looks out at the audience)_ _(grabs a microphone and clears throat)_ Okay, folks. It looks like this whole… thing that just happened could go down a bunch of different and unpredictable paths and we don't know how this might escalate, so… I'm just gonna go now before something goes horribly wrong. Sorry everyone, but it looks like you're on your own for a while. I'll meet you at the finale. _(drops the microphone and walks offstage)_

Kim Boggs:_ (sees Johnny Depp leave)_ Hey, where's _he_ going?

Will Turner: _(faces Kim)_ Could it have been something we said?

Elizabeth Swann: Not us… _(glares at Jack and Edward)_ …but probably _them_.

Kim Boggs: _(looks at Jack and Edward)_ Them? _(scoffs)_ No way. The guy with the dreadlocks, maybe. But Edward? Absolutely not.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Us? As in _me_ and _him_? _(points a finger at Edward)_ _Him_, definitely. But _me_, certainly not.

Edward Scissorhands: I didn't mean to make him run away.

Captain Jack Sparrow: He _wouldn't_ have run away if _you_ hadn't threatened me with those sinister-looking blades of yours.

Edward Scissorhands: I'm sorry.

Kim Boggs: Hey, hey, hey! _(runs over to Edward and wraps her arm around his shoulders to comfort him. She glares at Jack)_ You'd better watch what you say, mister.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh? _(looks at Kim with a sly expression)_ And why should I, young missy?

Kim Boggs: Edward is really sensitive about his hands. _(wraps an arm around Edward)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Those things are his HANDS?!

Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann: What? _(look at Edward's hands)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(inspects Edward's hands curiously)_ Fancy that… Well, no matter. Time to get back to business, as they say. _(reaches for his compass, but realizes that it's not there)_ Wait… where is it? What happened to it? _(touches his body to feel around for his compass, only to find out that it really is gone)_ Oh no. No, no, no, no, no! Where is it?! Where the bugger is it?!

Kim Boggs: Where's what?

Captain Jack Sparrow: My compass! Me special compass! It's gone!

Elizabeth Swann: What do you mean it's gone?

Captain Jack Sparrow: What do you mean by that?! I mean it's GONE! One minute it was tied to my belt as always, I take my eyes off it for half a minute, and poof! Now it's lost forever!

Kim Boggs: Come on, it's not lost _forever_.

Edward Scissorhands: Don't worry. We'll help you look for it.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You will?

Kim Boggs: We will? _(Will and Elizabeth glare at her)_ Oh! Yeah, of course we will!

Elizabeth Swann: You probably just misplaced your compass or dropped it somewhere.

Will Turner: Yes, Jack. We'll find it; you just need to retrace your steps. Now where was the last place you saw your compass?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Well the last time I saw it, I remember holding it in me hand and putting it down somewhere… probably out in the hall. I must've forgotten to pick it up.

Kim Boggs: So it might be in the lobby?

Will Turner: Sounds like a good first place to look to me.

Elizabeth Swann: I think so too.

Kim Boggs: Well, let's go and see if we can find it there.

_(Jack, Edward, Will, Elizabeth, and Kim walk offstage and head towards the door to look in the lobby. The moment they leave, Willy Wonka enters with five children following him. Willy appears to be looking at something in his hand)_


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

**Act 1, Scene 2**

Violet Beauregarde: Mr. Wonka? Where are we?

Mike Teavee: Yeah, are you sure you know where you're going?

Willy Wonka: Don't worry, kids; I know where I am. I've just been following this compass I found and compasses are _never_ wrong. _(walks onto the stage with the kids right behind him)_

Veruca Salt: Who told you that?

Willy Wonka: Charlie Bucket's grandfather, of course. _(looks up from the compass, stops walking, and looks around)_ Oh! Uh… _(under his breath)_ …Hmmm, I don't recognize this place.

Charlie Bucket: Um, Mr. Wonka? What are we doing on a stage?

Augustus Gloop: Yes, and who are all of these people? _(refers to the audience in front of them)_

Willy Wonka: _(turns around and opens his mouth to speak, then pauses)_ …I have no idea.

Mike Teavee: _(groans)_ We're lost, aren't we?

Willy Wonka: No, we are not lost. We probably just got… twisted around somewhere, that's all. No biggie. _(looks at the compass again)_ Now let's see here. We took a right turn at the— _(accidentally bumps into Alice Kingsleigh who walks onto the stage from stage left)_ Oof! _(accidentally drops the compass)_

Alice Kingsleigh: Oh my goodness, I'm sorry! Let me get that. _(bends down to pick up the compass)_

Willy Wonka: No it's okay, it was just an accident. _(gently brushes his coat with one hand and turns to face Alice)_

Alice Kingsleigh: _(gives the compass back to Willy and looks at him with wide eyes)_ …Hatter? _(gasps, then smiles)_ It's you! _(hugs Willy tightly)_ I've found you, thank goodness!

Willy Wonka: Uh… _(awkwardly pries Alice off of him and pushes her away from him)_ Sorry whoever you are, but I'm not this "Hatter" you're talking about, whoever or _what_ever that is. Plus, I'm not a big hugger.

Alice Kingsleigh: _(pauses)_ You're _not_ the Hatter?

Willy Wonka: No, I'm Willy Wonka.

Alice Kingsleigh: Oh! I'm sorry, I—

Violet Beauregarde: Hey, who are _you_?

Alice Kingsleigh: _(looks at the group of children curiously)_ My name is Alice Kingsleigh. And you are?

Violet Beauregarde: I'm Violet Beauregarde.

Mike Teavee: I'm Mike Teavee.

Augustus Gloop: I'm Augustus Gloop.

Veruca Salt: I'm Veruca Salt.

Charlie Bucket: And my name is Charlie Bucket.

Alice Kingsleigh: A pleasure to meet all of you. _(looks back at Willy)_ Again, I'm very sorry sir. I thought you were my friend. None of you have seen him by any chance, have you?

Willy Wonka: No, I don't think so. Kids? _(the kids all shake their heads no)_ What does your friend look like?

Alice Kingsleigh: Um… That might be rather difficult to explain.

Charlie Bucket: What do you mean, Miss Kingsleigh?

Alice Kingsleigh: You see, my friend has a rather _unique_ appearance.

Charlie Bucket: Unique? How so?

Alice Kingsleigh: Well…

_(Everyone suddenly hears crazed, yet very cheerful laughter coming from nowhere. Tarrant Hightopp, aka the Mad Hatter, dances onto the stage and stops near Alice and Willy)_

Mad Hatter: Ah, Alice!

Alice Kingsleigh: Hatter, there you are! _(hugs her friend)_

Mike Teavee: THIS is your Hatter guy? Geez, he looks like a clown!

Mad Hatter: _(stops hugging Alice and turns around to look at Mike)_ Excuse me?

Mike Teavee: You heard me, you weirdo.

Charlie Bucket: _(hushed to Mike)_ Mike, shush!

Mad Hatter: "Weirdo?" _(glares darkly at Mike)_ Is _that_ what everyone is calling me now?

Willy Wonka: Uh, you'll have to excuse Mike here. _(gently pushes Mike away from the Hatter)_ He can be a bit, uh…

Veruca Salt: Loud? Crude?

Violet Beauregarde: Rude? Obnoxious?

Augustus Gloop: Unpleasant? Nasty?

Mike Teavee: _(glares at the other kids)_ You guys know I can hear you, right?

Willy Wonka: I was _going_ to say "not very nice", but… I guess any of those work too._ (looks back at Hatter and notices his bright eyes)_ Whoa!

Mad Hatter: What is it? …Why are you looking at me like that?

Willy Wonka: Uh… _(looks directly into the Hatter's eyes)_ Wow… Your eyes are… really bright… and really _green_.

Mad Hatter: Is that a bad thing?

Willy Wonka: What? Oh, no! No way! Of course not! Actually, I think that's… pretty cool.

Mad Hatter: Really? Why thank you! Oh, how rude of me; my name is Tarrant Hightopp, although you and your little friends may feel free to call me Hatter if you wish. And you, Mister…?

Willy Wonka: Wonka, Willy Wonka. _(reaches out and shakes the Hatter's hand)_ It's nice to meet you.

Mad Hatter: A pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Wonka. Oh my! What a gorgeous hat you have! It's simply beautiful!

Willy Wonka: Oh, thank you. And _your_ hat has caught my eye too; I _really_ like it.

Mad Hatter: Thank you very much.

Willy Wonka: You're welcome.

Violet Beauregarde: Mr. Hatter? Your friend Alice just told us she was looking for you.

Mad Hatter: Was she? _(looks back at Alice with a curious smile)_ What news do you bring, Alice?

Alice Kingsleigh: Oh, right. Hatter, Her Majesty has told me to tell you that she wants you to come to her tea party this afternoon. She said it's very important and to not be late; she wanted me to find you as quickly as possible. I came all the way from Marmoreal to find you. _(gives Hatter a piece of paper, Hatter reads it and his eyes widen)_

Mad Hatter: A tea party with the Queen?! Oh I'd love to! _(stuffs the piece of paper into his pocket and smiles)_

Veruca Salt: What are you talking about? Who is "Her Majesty"?

Mike Teavee: Yeah, and what is "Marmoreal"?

Mad Hatter: I'm sorry children, but we have no time to explain. _(opens a pocket watch)_ Oh my! In fact, we hardly have _any_ time at all. I don't want to be late to such a VERY important tea. _(puts the watch back into his pocket)_ Which way is it to Marmoreal from here, Alice?

Alice Kingsleigh: _(opens her mouth to speak, then pauses)_ Oh dear…

Mad Hatter: What is it?

Alice Kingsleigh: I have no idea where to go from here.

Mad Hatter: Oh. Oh, that _is_ a problem. What to do?

Willy Wonka: Hey, why don't you guys use this? _(shows the compass to Alice and Hatter)_

Mad Hatter: Ooooh! What is that?

Alice Kingsleigh: _(takes the compass out of Willy's hand and opens it)_ It's a compass… that doesn't work.

Mike Teavee: What do you mean it doesn't work?

Alice Kingsleigh: _(shows the compass to Mike)_ See the needle? It isn't pointing north. And compasses are _always_ supposed to point north.

Mike Teavee: Are you kidding me?

Veruca Salt: _(looks at Willy)_ So you have been following a _broken_ compass this _entire time_?

Willy Wonka: Uh… I guess I have. Oh dear, dear, dear.

Violet Beauregarde: Aw, geez… _(face-palms)_

Mad Hatter: _(takes the compass and looks at it) (hushed)_ How curious… _(walks away from the group)_

Alice Kingsleigh:_ (turns around to see Hatter walking away)_ Hatter? Where are you going?

Mad Hatter: Forgive me, but I believe Marmoreal is this way.

Willy Wonka: What makes you say that?

Mad Hatter: I don't know, I suppose it just… feels right. _(walks away)_

Veruca Salt: Hey, _I_ want to have tea with a Queen too!

Violet Beauregarde: Me too!

Augustus Gloop: So do I!

Mike Teavee: I don't know; I _do_ kinda wanna see where this goes… Hey, Mr. Hatter! Wait for us! _(he, Violet, Augustus, and Veruca all run after the Hatter)_

Willy Wonka: Okay, that just happened… _(to Alice)_ I am so sorry, I REALLY hope those kids don't drive your friend nuts.

Alice Kingsleigh: Oh, no, Mr. Wonka. I bet _Hatter_ will drive _them_ nuts first. He is already sort of _mad_ as it is. In fact, practically _everyone_ in Underland is mad… even _me_, just a little.

Willy Wonka: You don't say…

Charlie Bucket: So, what do we do now? Should we go after them? Just so they can't get into any trouble?

Alice Kingsleigh: I suppose that would be wise—

Willy Wonka: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go! _(briskly walks off to where the Hatter and the other four kids were going with Charlie and Alice shrugging their shoulders at each other and following after him. They didn't even notice that Willy had dropped something on the stage before exiting)_

_(Jack, Edward, Will, Elizabeth, and Kim walk back on stage from stage right. Jack stops and notices the thing Willy had dropped before; he walks over, picks it up, and looks at it curiously. Edward sees Jack and shuffles over to him)_

Edward Scissorhands: What's that, Jack?

Captain Jack Sparrow: I have no idea.

Edward Scissorhands: What does it say?

Willy Wonka: Oh, hold on! I think I dropped something! I'll be right back. _(runs back to the stage only to see Jack, Edward, Will, Elizabeth, and Kim)_ Uh, who are you guys? _(sees Jack is holding his candy bar)_ Hey! What are you two doing with _my_ chocolate? _(walks back onto the stage to confront Edward and Jack)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: _Your_ chocolate?

Willy Wonka: Yes. _(reaches out and snatches the bar of chocolate out of Jack's hands)_ _My_ chocolate.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I don't see your name on it, savvy?

_(Willy frowns at Jack, then holds up the chocolate bar and points a finger at his last name)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Wanka? _(snickers)_ That's your name?

Willy Wonka: Oh hahaha, very funny. For your information, my full name is Willy _Wonka_. And what exactly are all of _you_ supposed to be? _(picks up a couple of Jack's dreads and looks at them curiously)_ Geez, you really need a haircut. _(sniffs Jack and suddenly gags)_ Oh, gosh! And a bath, too! A really, really, really _long_ bath!

Captain Jack Sparrow: What did you just say to me, mate?

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka? Mr. Wonka, what's going on? _(returns to the stage with Alice, Veruca, Violet, Mike, Augustus, and the Hatter with him)_

Alice Kingsleigh: Are you alright?

Willy Wonka: _(turns his head to see Charlie, Alice, and everyone else)_ Oh, I'm fine.

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(glances to look at Charlie, Alice, and the others) (to Willy)_ Are they yours?

Willy Wonka: _(looks at where jack is looking)_ What? Oh, no! No, no, no, they're not _my_ kids. They're just kids I know.

Mike Teavee: Mr. Wonka? A _dad_? _(scoffs)_

Mad Hatter: What's going on up there? _(steps up to the front and sees Jack, Edward, Elizabeth, Will, and Kim)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(looks and sees that the Hatter is holding his compass)_ Oy! Is that_ my_ compass?! _(stomps over to the Hatter and glares at him)_

Mad Hatter: _Your_ compass? _(yelps as Jack snatches the compass out of Hatter's hands)_

Violet Beauregarde: It's _yours_? But that thing is _broken_; what do _you_ want it for anyway?

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(shoos Violet away)_ Shoo. _(to Hatter)_ Where did you find this?

Mad Hatter: I haven't the slightest idea. Mr. Wonka had it long before _I_ did.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Mr. Wonka? _(turns around and glares at Willy)_

Willy Wonka: _(nervously chuckles)_ _(under his breath)_ Thanks a lot, Hatter.

Captain Jack Sparrow: So _you_ were the one who stole me compass!

Willy Wonka: _Stole_ it?! I would never do something so dishonest!

Captain Jack Sparrow: …Then how did you get it?

Willy Wonka: I simply found it lying on a table in the lobby. No one was around to claim it, so I picked it and decided to just hold onto it until someone _did_ come to take it.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Likely story, mate. How did you _really_ get it?

Willy Wonka: No, I mean it. I would _never_ steal from anyone!

Charlie Bucket: I can vouch for him!

Captain Jack Sparrow: _You_ stay out of this, boy. _(pushes Charlie away)_

Willy Wonka: Hey! Leave Charlie alone, buster! _(stomps over to Jack)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh? _(glares at Willy) _What if I _don't_, you greasy, bug-brained, black-eyed, opal-toothed, silver-tongued scallywag?

Veruca Salt: _(gasps)_

Mike Teavee _(simultaneously)_: Whoa.

Violet Beauregarde _(simultaneously)_: Ooh, burn.

Willy Wonka: _(gasps, then scoffs)_ Oh so _that's_ how you wanna play it, huh? Well _two_ can play that game, you ragged filthy, drunken, mumbling, nauseating, rotting fish-breathed hooligan!

Alice Kingsleigh _(under her breath)_: Ouch.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Why you little… _(reaches for his pistol and sword as Willy raises his cane to hold it like a baseball bat)_

Willy Wonka: Bring it.

Mike Teavee: _(hushed to Augustus)_ Whoa, this just got interesting. _(Augustus nods his head)_

Veruca Salt: _(hushed to Violet)_ I wish I had a camera.

Violet Beauregarde: _(hushed to Veruca)_ Me too.

Edward Scissorhands: _(quickly steps in between Jack and Willy and stomps his foot)_ No, stop! Stop fighting! _(gently pushes Willy and Jack away from each other)_

_(Everything goes quiet, no one moves or says another word; Jack and Willy are looking at each other awkwardly as the Hatter steps forward)_

Edward Scissorhands: Is that any way to talk to a friend?

Captain Jack Sparrow: He and I are _not_ friends, savvy?

Edward Scissorhands: But you _could_ be.

Willy Wonka: _Me_? Friends? With _this guy_? Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me, son. I'd rather swan dive into a swimming pool of boiling water, or worse boiling _soup_, than befriend _him_.

Captain Jack Sparrow: For once, you said something I actually _agree_ with, mate. Though, _I_ would much rather eat me own dreads _and_ kiss a squid than make amends with you.

Willy Wonka: _(scoffs)_ Is that all you've got?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Like _you_ could do any worse.

Mad Hatter: Alright, alright! This is enough, from _both_ of you! _(pushes Willy and Jack away from each other)_ Young Edward was _right_ to intervene!

Captain Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka: He was?

Edward Scissorhands: I was?

Mad Hatter: _(to Edward)_ Yes, you were. _(to Jack and Willy)_ You two are behaving so immaturely, this arguing needs to stop before it gets out of hand!

Alice Kingsleigh: Hatter is right. You're grown men and you're insulting each other and bickering like children. _(to Charlie, Violet, Mike, Augustus, and Veruca)_ Um, no offense.

Charlie Bucket: None taken. _(Mike, Augustus, Violet, and Veruca say nothing and look away from Alice in response)_

Mad Hatter: _(sighs and shakes his head)_ If neither of you have anything nice to say _to_ or _about_ one another, then perhaps it would be wise not to say _anything_ at all.

Captain Jack Sparrow: But he—

Willy Wonka _(simultaneously)_: What? But-but—

Mad Hatter: No "buts", no anything from _either_ of you! Now why don't you two come to your senses, apologize to one another, shake hands, and form a truce before either of you say or do something that you'll regret? Hmmm? _(glares at Willy and Jack, who groan at each other)_

Charlie Bucket: Come on, Mr. Wonka.

Elizabeth Swann: What have you got to lose, Jack?

_(Jack and Willy look at each other and their looks soften; they both sigh in defeat)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: They're right, Wonka. We _are_ behaving like children.

Willy Wonka: I know, I know. …I'm sorry I took your compass, Jack.

Captain Jack Sparrow: _I_ shouldn't have yelled at you or accused you of stealing it in the first place… Truce? _(holds out his hand to Willy)_

Willy Wonka: _(pauses, then smiles and shakes Jack's hand)_ Truce.

Kim Boggs: Hmm, that was easy.

Mike Teavee: Darn it! I thought there was gonna be a _real_ fight. _(Violet punches Mike hard in the arm)_ Ow! What was that for, Violet? _(rubs his sore arm)_

Violet Beauregarde _(through gritted teeth)_: Zip it, Mike.

Mad Hatter: There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Captain Jack Sparrow: No.

Willy Wonka _(simultaneously)_: I guess not.

Mad Hatter: Alright. Now that we have _that_ little debacle out of the way, perhaps one of _you_ would so kind as to tell us how to get to Marmoreal from here.

Kim Boggs: I'm sorry, what?

Mad Hatter: Marmoreal, the White Queen's kingdom. I've been told she wants _me_ at her tea party _today_ and I _mustn't_ be late for such an important date. _(pauses, then smiles)_ Have I made a rhyme?

Willy Wonka: Uh… _(clears his throat and turns to face Edward, Kim, Will, and Elizabeth)_ …None of you would happen to know where Marmoreal is around here, would you?

Edward Scissorhands: I don't know any Queen.

Kim Boggs: Me neither.

Will Turner _(simultaneously)_: Not me.

Elizabeth Swann _(simultaneously)_: I'm sorry, but no.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hmmmm, a Queen you say? …I haven't the vaguest idea where or what this "Marmoreal" is, but if you want to get to this Queen's tea party on time, then I suggest you use this. _(shows his compass to Hatter)_ With _my_ supervision, of course.

Mad Hatter: Your compass?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Aye… _(smiles at Hatter)_

Mike Teavee: But that thing is _broken_; it doesn't even point north. How can that piece of junk possibly help us?

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(glares at Mike)_ Ah, ah, ah; not so fast, you little mangy, big-mouthed cad. This compass is not like any other, _mine_ just so happens to be _unique_, savvy?

Mike Teavee: Huh?

Charlie Bucket: _(steps forward)_ How so, sir? _(Augustus, Violet, and Veruca step forward as well)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: You see children, it is true that my compass does _not_ point north, but it isn't north we're trying to find, is it?

Veruca Salt: Well, where _does_ it point?

Captain Jack Sparrow: …It points to the thing that you want most in this world.

Mike Teavee: What? _(scoffs)_ Oh please. Compasses _can't_ do that.

Violet Beauregarde: I'm with Mike on this one.

Veruca Salt: Me too. It's _impossible_.

Mad Hatter: _(turns around to look at the children)_ Only if you _believe_ it is…

Charlie Bucket: I don't know about the rest of you, but _I_ believe Captain Sparrow.

Captain Jack Sparrow: You do?

Augustus Gloop, Violet Beauregarde, Veruca Salt, and Mike Teavee: You _do_?

Charlie Bucket: Considering everything else that just happened to us, why not?

Kim Boggs: He has a point there.

Alice Kingsleigh: Alright. Whoever believes the Captain and all those in favor of following his advice, raise your right hand and say 'aye'.

Mad Hatter, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, and Kim Boggs: _(raise their hands)_ Aye.

Charlie Bucket and Alice Kingsleigh: _(raise their hands)_ Aye.

Alice Kingsleigh: Very well. And all opposed, say 'nay'.

Violet Beauregarde, Veruca Salt, Mike Teavee, and Augustus Gloop: _(raise their hands)_ Nay.

Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann: _(raise their hands)_ Nay.

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(glares at Will and Elizabeth)_ Traitors. Alright! All those who said 'aye', come with me. We'll find this tea party in no time.

Mike Teavee: Hey, what about the _rest_ of us?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Well, you lot can either follow us _or_ go someplace else… No? Alright, then; have it _your_ way. Now if you'll excuse us, we have a _royal_ tea party to get to._ (gives the compass to Hatter)_ Hatter, _you_ know more about Marmoreal than any of us so… YOU lead the way.

Mad Hatter: _(giggles and salutes)_ Aye-aye, Captain Jack.

_(The Hatter, Alice, Willy, Charlie, Edward, Kim, and Jack all walk away to find Marmoreal, leaving Will, Elizabeth, Veruca, Mike, Augustus and Violet behind)_

Mike Teavee: What a bunch of bologna. Who does that captain guy think he's fooling? If he even _is_ a real captain.

Violet Beauregarde: Yeah, I've never heard of a so-called "magic compass". _(smugly crosses her arms over her chest)_

Veruca Salt: I just want to know how the thing works, if what he said _was_ the truth.

Elizabeth Swann: Unfortunately, Jack _is_ known for stretching the truth about certain things, if not everything else. It's rather difficult to tell which is the truth and which is a lie.

Augustus Gloop: So, what do we do now?

Will Turner: Follow after them? _(everyone else stares at Will)_ What?

_(Silence)_

Will Turner: Oh, never mind. Let's just go after them.

Mike Teavee: _(shrugs his shoulders)_ Beats standing around here doing nothing. C'mon, guys. We might lose them.

_(The rest of the group walks off the stage in the direction the others had walked off to)_


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

**Act 1, Scene 3**

_(The moment Will, Elizabeth, Augustus, Violet, Veruca, and Mike are gone, a man walks onto the stage with an angry look on his face_

Sweeney Todd: _(angrily mumbles incoherently to himself before he stops and looks around curiously)_ Where am I? _(reaches into his coat pocket, takes out a piece of paper, and looks at it)_ This can't be right. I'm supposed to be at a— _(Barnabas Collins walks onto the stage and bumps into Sweeney from behind)_ Oof! Excuse me, but do you mind terribly!? _(turns around and sees a pale man with short black and dark clothes standing before him)_

Barnabas Collins: Apologies, good sir. _(looks at Sweeney with wide eyes)_ _(hushed)_ My God…

Sweeney Todd: What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Barnabas Collins: …Who are you?

Sweeney Todd: Who are _you_?

Barnabas Collins: Um, forgive me. My name is Barnabas Collins. _(politely offers his hand to Sweeney)_

Sweeney Todd: _(pauses and looks at Barnabas's hand curiously before reluctantly taking it)_ I'm Mr. Sweeney Todd, of Fleet Street.

Barnabas Collins: A curious name, but interesting nonetheless. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Master Todd. _(smiles and nods politely at Sweeney)_

Sweeney Todd: Nice to meet you too, Collins. _(gives Barnabas a small, kind smile)_

Mrs. Lovett: _(walks onto the stage)_ Mr. T? What are you doin'? Aren't you gonna be late?

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: _(walks onto the stage with Victoria Winters and David Collins)_ Barnabas? What's going on? You're running late. _(her eyes widen when she sees Mrs. Lovett)_ Julia? What are _you_ doing here? …And what are you wearing?

Mrs. Lovett: _(looks around curiously, then looks back at Elizabeth)_ Are you talkin' to _me_? Who's Julia?

Victoria Winters: _(looks at Sweeney, then at Barnabas)_ Um, Barnabas? Do you know them?

Barnabas Collins: Do not worry, everyone. Master Todd and I have met just now and I assure you that he means no harm… _(glances over at Sweeney curiously)_ …do you?

Sweeney Todd: _(looks at Mrs. Lovett, then back at Barnabas)_ Of course not… Mr. Collins, are you _not_ going to introduce us?

Barnabas Collins: Oh, yes! Yes, of course. Master Todd, this is Elizabeth and her nephew David and this is my love, Victoria. _(to Elizabeth, David, and Victoria)_ This is Sweeney Todd.

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: How do you do.

Victoria Winters _(simultaneously)_: Hello.

David Collins _(simultaneously)_: Hi.

Sweeney Todd: A pleasure. _(Mrs. Lovett clears her throat)_ Oh! And this is Mrs. Lovett.

Mrs. Lovett: Hello there. _(smiles politely)_

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: Ah, Mrs. Lovett. Nice to meet you. _(shakes Mrs. Lovett's hand)_ Sorry about before, I guess I just confused you for someone else.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, that's okay, love.

Sweeney Todd: You're running late, Collins?

Barnabas Collins: Yes, I'm afraid so. I was invited to a tea party by a mysterious hostess and I appear to be rather tardy. _(takes a piece of paper out of his coat pocket and reads it)_ "The Queen's Tea Party" so it would seem.

Sweeney Todd: The _Queen's_ Tea Party? Let me see that. _(takes the piece of paper out of Barnabas's hand and looks at it. His eyes widen)_ This is where Mrs. Lovett and I are going; _I_ received a letter like this.

Barnabas Collins: You have? _(Sweeney nods as he gives the invitation back to Barnabas)_ Hmmm, how curious…

Sweeney Todd: Indeed.

David Collins: You were invited to the same party? How can that be?

Barnabas Collins: I know not, Master David. I certainly have not met this strange Queen before.

Sweeney Todd: Neither have _I_. But she _must_ know of the both of us… somehow.

Mrs. Lovett: You know, since we all appear to be goin' to the same place, why don't we go to this Queen's tea party together?

Victoria Winters: Together? As a group?

Mrs. Lovett: Of course. Won't that be easier for all of us to stay in a group?

_(Barnabas looks at Elizabeth, Victoria, and David while Sweeney looks at Mrs. Lovett. Barnabas and Sweeney look at each other and slowly nod their heads)_

Sweeney Todd: It only seems fair to do so.

Barnabas Collins: I agree. Alright, let us travel together. _(shakes hands with Sweeney)_ Now… where do we go from here?

Sweeney Todd: _(pauses and looks at Mrs. Lovett who shrugs her shoulders at him, then back at Barnabas)_ …I have no idea.

Barnabas Collins: Oh dear, that is rather… problematic. What to do? What to do?

Katrina Van Tassel: I don't know, Ichabod. I think we're lost.

Ichabod Crane: _(enter from stage right with Katrina Van Tassel right behind him)_ No Katrina, I'm sure… _(stops and sees Barnabas, Sweeney, and everyone else)_ Oh! Um… pardon our intrusion, good people. We were just, um…

Sweeney Todd: Are you running late for something, sir?

Ichabod Crane: _(pauses, then looks at Sweeney nervously)_ Yes.

Sweeney Todd: And is the event you are running late to… _(takes out his invitation)_ …a tea party with a certain _queen_?

Ichabod Crane: How did you know that?

Barnabas Collins: _(glances over at Ichabod's invitation in his hand, then looks at Ichabod)_ Because Master Todd and I have received invitations similar to your own.

Ichabod Crane: _(pauses and looks at Katrina, then at his invitation)_ How can this be?

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: That's what we're trying to figure out… as well as where to go from here to get to this mysterious tea party.

Katrina Van Tassel: Oh dear.

Barnabas Collins: Indeed, Miss… Forgive me, what are your names?

Ichabod Crane: Oh! Yes, of course. I am Constable Ichabod Crane and this is Katrina Van Tassel. And you are?

Barnabas Collins: My name is Barnabas Collins; this is Sweeney Todd, Mrs. Lovett, Elizabeth, David, and Victoria. We are all invited to this Queen's tea party as well.

Ichabod Crane: I see. Well, it's a pleasure to meet all of you.

Katrina Van Tassel: Pleased to meet you. _(smiles and nod her head politely)_

Mrs. Lovett: Excuse me, Constable. _(Ichabod turns his head to face Mrs. Lovett)_ You wouldn't happen to know where this… _(glances at Sweeney's invitation)_ …"Mare-mo-real" is, would you?

Ichabod Crane: Come again?

Sweeney Todd: She's talking about the location this Queen's tea party is taking place. You wouldn't happen to know the way, would you?

Ichabod Crane: Oh, um… I'm afraid not. As unfortunate and depressing as it sounds, Katrina and I appear to be just as lost as all of you.

Katrina Van Tassel: We're sorry, but we have no idea where to go.

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: It's okay. But the problem is that we're _all_ going to be late to this party now.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, don't be like that. I'm sure we can still get there on time… somehow. We just need to think.

John Reid: Tonto? We're lost, aren't we?

Tonto: No, kemosabe. This _is_ right way, I know it.

David Collins: Kemosabe?

Sweeney Todd: _(groans and covers his eyes with one hand as he shakes his head)_ _(under his breath)_ God, not another one.

_(Tonto and John Reid make their way up to the stage and stop when they see Sweeney, Barnabas, Ichabod, Mrs. Lovett, Katrina, Elizabeth, David, and Victoria. Tonto and John look at each other, then back at the group with wide eyes)_

_(Silence)_

David Collins: Excuse me, sir? Why do you have a stuffed bird on your head?

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: David, don't be rude.

_(Tonto glances at the bird sitting on his head curiously)_

John Reid: Don't worry, kid; it's… an Indian thing. _(David nods his head, meaning he understands)_

Ichabod Crane: Pardon me, but… who are you two?

Sweeney Todd: And where did you come from?

John Reid: Oh, I'm John, but everyone that knows me calls me the Lone Ranger. And this is my partner, Tonto.

Tonto: Hello. _(nods his head)_

David Collins: _(his eyes widen as he looks at John and Tonto)_ Wait, the Lone Ranger and Tonto? You're _real_? You're really THE Lone Ranger AND Tonto?!

Tonto: _(turns his head to look at David curiously)_ There is another?

Victoria Winters: You know who they are, David?

David Collins: Are you kidding? I've heard every single one of their adventures on the radio over a dozen times! I'm a huge fan! _(excitedly grins up at John and Tonto)_

Tonto: _(looks at John)_ We have _fan_, kemosabe.

John Reid: Looks like we do.

Katrina Van Tassel: Excuse me, gentlemen. _(Tonto and John turn to look at Katrina)_ This may sound rather strange but… are you two running late for something?

John Reid: _(turns to look at Katrina)_ How'd you know that?

Sweeney Todd: We could see the invitation in your Indian friend's grip.

Tonto: _(looks at the invitation in his fist)_ How you know this is invitation?

Barnabas Collins: Because the rest of us have received one similar to your own. _(he, Ichabod, and Sweeney each hold up their own invitations)_

John Reid: Really? _(looks at Tonto with wide eyes)_ Wha-what? How…?

Ichabod Crane: That is what we are trying to figure out as well as finding the person who sent us these invitations and how to get to this party.

Tonto: _(steps forward)_ Anyone else receive letters?

Ichabod Crane: _(pauses, then looks at Tonto)_ …I don't know.

Victoria Winters: We need answers, don't we?

All _(sans Victoria)_: _(general agreements)_

Katrina Van Tassel: But the real question is… where do we start?

Barnabas Collins: That is a good question, Miss Van Tassel. Where to start, indeed?

_(A loud gunshot is heard and everyone jumps)_

David Collins:_ (yelps and clings to Victoria for protection)_ What was that?!

_(Sweeney takes out a straight razor, Ichabod and John take out their pistols, and Tonto takes out a small knife)_

Barnabas Collins: Do not fear, Master David. We will protect you.

Angelica: Is that so?

_(Everyone looks to see Angelica and Red Harrington strut towards the stage with smug looks on their faces and they stop in front of the group)_

Red Harrington: Sorry about that. That was supposed to be a warning shot. _(to Angelica)_ Ain't that right?

Angelica: Whatever you want to tell yourself. _(puts a pistol into her pocket)_

John Reid and Tonto: _(turn their heads to see Red)_ RED HARRINGTON?

Red Harrington: Hey there, boys. _(casually smiles at John and Tonto)_

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: You two know her?

John Reid: Let's just say our paths have crossed a few times.

Red Harrington: Is that all you can say about us? _(winks at Tonto and Tonto nervously takes a step back)_

Angelica: These two are the men you told me about? _(looks at John and smirks)_ What's with the mask?

Red Harrington: Easy there, missy. I told ya, every man has his thing. Probably a lot like that Jack fellow you mentioned.

Angelica: Oh! Si, of course. None of you would happen to know where a _Jack Sparrow_ is, would you?

_(Everyone else looks at each other, then look back at Angelica and Red with confused looks on their faces)_

Ichabod Crane: I'm sorry, who?

Victor Van Dort: Are you _certain_ this is the right way? I-I'm not so sure we are…

Captain Jack Sparrow: We're following the madman holding me magic compass; I don't know what else to tell you, mate.

Violet Beauregarde: Ugh! Would you just shut it with the magic compass crud? It's getting old.

Mike Teavee: Yeah, when are you gonna give it up already?

Captain Jack Sparrow: _Who_ invited you again?

Victoria Everglot: I'm sorry, but are you two _always_ this rude?

Willy Wonka: Uh, some days are better than others… or _worse_.

_(Jack Sparrow, the Mad Hatter, Willy Wonka, Edward Scissorhands, Kim Boggs, Alice Kingsleigh, Elizabeth Swann, Will Turner, Charlie Bucket, Veruca Salt, Violet Beauregarde, Mike Teavee, and Augustus Gloop enter again and walk up onto the stage yelling and arguing with each other while two other people are awkwardly following them, Victor Van Dort and Victoria Everglot. They all stop and look up at Ichabod, Katrina, John, Tonto, Red, Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett, Elizabeth Stoddard, David, Victoria Winters, Barnabas, and Angelica. Everyone suddenly stares at each other awkwardly. The curtains close in front of everyone)_

_**(Intermission)**_


	4. Act 2, Scene 1

**Act 2, Scene 1**

_(Everyone stares at each other in awkward silence before Edward Scissorhands reluctantly takes a step forward)_

Edward Scissorhands: …Hello. _(Kim reaches for Edward's arm)_

_(Charlie Bucket steps forward as well, but Willy Wonka quickly stops him)_

Willy Wonka _(hushed to Charlie)_: _(puts his arm in front of Charlie to stop him)_ Charlie, don't get any closer. They could be dangerous.

Charlie Bucket _(hushed to Willy)_: _(looks up at Willy)_ I just wanted to say 'hello'.

Sweeney Todd _(hushed)_: _(facepalms)_ Ugh, there's more?

Tonto _(hushed to John Reid)_: What say you, kemosabe? Evil spirits or just… strange looking people?

John Reid _(hushed to Tonto)_: …Who knows?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Angelica?!

Angelica: Hello, Jack. I've been looking for you _all day_.

Red Harrington: _(steps forward)_ So _this_ is the famous Jack Sparrow you told me about? _(walks over to Jack, looks at him curiously, and slyly smiles)_ Hmmmm, not a bad looker. Not bad at all.

Angelica: _(clears throat)_ Red, focus.

Violet Beauregarde: _(looks to see Mike Teavee staring at John Reid with wide eyes. She waves her hand in front of his eyes and he doesn't respond)_ Uh, Mike? Hello! Earth to Mike Teavee!

Veruca Salt: _(looks at Mike)_ Is he okay?

Violet Beauregarde: Uh… I have no idea. _(looks back at Mike)_ Mike! What is wrong with you, dude?

Mike Teavee: You're the Lone Ranger and Tonto! _(excitedly runs over to John and Tonto)_

Willy Wonka: Mike, you know who they are?

Mike Teavee: How could I NOT?!

Tonto: _(looks at John nervously)_ Another fan, kemosabe. _(Mike grins and nearly passes out when he hears Tonto say 'kemosabe')_

Ichabod Crane: _(nervously takes a step towards Jack Sparrow)_ Excuse me, sir? Your name is Jack Sparrow?

Captain Jack Sparrow: _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, if you please.

Ichabod Crane: _(inspects Jack curiously)_ Judging by your attire, _Mr._ Sparrow, I'd be inclined to think that you are some form of corsair?

Captain Jack Sparrow: Me? Oh no, mate. Bloodthirsty mindless savages, they are. But me? I'm just a simple pirate. Wouldn't hurt a fly unless it suited me, savvy?

John Reid: _(looks at Ichabod, then at Jack)_ Mr. Sparrow, are you aware that piracy is an arrestable crime? Of course you'd be. You don't really strike me as a law-abiding man.

Ichabod Crane: Yes, I agree. And I'm afraid I shall have to take you into custody.

John Reid: Me too.

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(smiles wickedly at Ichabod and John)_ Is that so? You and what army?

Ichabod Crane: _(looks around to see everyone)_ All of you would bear witness to the justified arrest of this criminal, would you not?

Charlie Bucket: Arrest? What did he do?

Tonto: _(steps forward and looks at Ichabod)_ Boy makes good point. What _did_ he do?

Ichabod Crane: _(glowers at Tonto)_ Pirate things, of course!

Victor Van Dort: _(clears throat and steps forward)_ I don't mean to interrupt, but that sounds a bit broad. Have you even _seen_ Captain Sparrow do anything bad?

Ichabod Crane: Well… no, I haven't.

Edward Scissorhands: _(steps forward)_ Then you can't arrest him for no reason; it's not nice.

Ichabod Crane: I'm not trying to do the _nice_ thing; I'm trying to do the _right_ thing.

Victoria Everglot: What's right about arresting an innocent man?

John Reid: You call _him_ innocent?!

Captain Jack Sparrow: _(looks at Ichabod)_ Uh, you know, um… what's your name again?

Ichabod Crane: _(glares at Jack)_ I am Ichabod Crane, scoundrel.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Fine. Mr. Ichabod Crane, if you're looking to arrest someone… why not arrest _him_? _(points a finger at Willy, who raises his brow in shock)_ He took me compass.

Willy Wonka: Jack, what are you doing?! I thought we were cool!

Alice Kingsleigh: Yes, you made a truce!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Either or.

Willy Wonka: I gave it back to you, didn't I?!

Victor Van Dort: Are you _always_ like this?

_(Everyone suddenly starts arguing with each other and yelling and talking over one another for a minute or two until Sweeney has finally had enough)_

Sweeney Todd: _(stomps his foot down as hard as he could and everything abruptly goes quiet)_ STOP, ALL OF YOU! _(breathes heavily, then slowly calms down)_ Now, this is getting us NOWHERE closer to the Queen's Tea Party, is it?

Mad Hatter: _(his eyes widen and he walks over to Sweeney)_ Did you just say the _Queen's_ Tea Party?

Sweeney Todd: Yes. What of it?

Willy Wonka: _(steps forward)_ Did you receive an invitation?

_(Sweeney frowns, holds up the invitation, and says nothing; the Hatter gasps)_

Mad Hatter: _(turns to look at the rest of the group)_ Whoever has received an invitation to the Queen's Tea Party, raise your hand and say 'aye'.

Willy Wonka, Victor Van Dort, and Captain Jack Sparrow: _(they each take a piece of paper out of their coat pockets and hold the paper up)_ Aye.

Edward Scissorhands: _(looks at Kim who takes a piece of paper out of her dress pocket and carefully gives it to Edward. He holds it up)_ Aye.

Tonto _(simultaneously)_: _(holds up his invitation)_ Aye.

Ichabod Crane and Barnabas Collins: _(they each take a piece of paper out of their pants pockets and hold the paper up)_ Aye.

Mad Hatter: How curious… Do any of you know Her Majesty?

Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Victor Van Dort, Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Tonto, Ichabod Crane, and Barnabas Collins: _(look at each other, then back at Hatter)_ No.

Mad Hatter: Then… Her Majesty must know all of _you_. But how?

Ichabod Crane: Wait! _(approaches the Hatter)_ How do _you_ know the hostess of this mysterious gathering?

Willy Wonka: Yeah, Hatter. You never did tell us how _you_ know this Queen.

Mad Hatter: For your information, the Queen and I have been the dearest of friends since we were children; I was also her own personal hatter. _(smiles proudly)_

Victoria Everglot: You made hats for this Queen? _(Hatter nods in response, still smiling)_

Will Turner: _(clears throat)_ This is still getting us nowhere.

Mike Teavee: He's right. Can someone just tell me who this hostess is?!

White Queen: I suppose that would be me.


	5. Act 2, Scene 2

**Act 2, Scene 2**

_(A royal fanfare sounds and a beautiful woman dressed all in white approaches the stage with another woman wearing a red, gold, and black dress following close behind. The entire group backs away from the two women, but the Hatter smiles and approaches the woman in white; he kneels before her and takes her hand)_

Mad Hatter: Your Majesty, my Queen, my dear Mirana. _(kisses her hand as the Queen giggles)_

White Queen: Hello, my dear Tarrant. Please, rise. _(Hatter does what she says; she smiles at him)_ It is good to see you again, my friend. _(Hatter smiles at her)_

Red Queen: Hello, Hatter.

Mad Hatter: _(looks at Iracebeth and nervously grins)_ Hello, Lady Iracebeth. _(nervously chuckles)_

Elizabeth Swann: Your name is _Tarrant_?

_(The Hatter turns to glare at Elizabeth and she says nothing else; he turns back to the Queen. Alice Kingsleigh approaches and curtsies)_

Alice Kingsleigh: Hello, Your Majesty.

White Queen and Red Queen: Hello, Alice.

_(Alice smiles and nods at Iracebeth)_

Violet Beauregarde and Veruca Salt: _(look at Alice)_ _You_ know her too?!

Alice Kingsleigh: _(looks at the two girls)_ Hush.

_(The two girls go silent the moment Iracebeth glares in their direction)_

Charlie Bucket: _(timidly approaches the White Queen and bows before her)_ Hello, Your Majesty. My name is Charlie Bucket.

White Queen: _(smiles kindly at Charlie)_ It is a pleasure to meet you, Charlie Bucket. _(gently shakes Charlie's hand)_

Willy Wonka: _(walks towards the Queen and nervously clears his throat)_ Um, hello. You must be the… the White Queen I heard so much about. My name is Willy Wonka, Your Majesty. _(bows before Mirana)_ It's very nice to meet you. _(straightens up and nervously reaches out his gloved hand for her)_

White Queen: _(giggles, then takes his hand)_ It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Master Wonka. _(glances around and sees everyone else)_ And I see the rest of you have managed to come. How lovely.

Ichabod Crane: _(approaches the Queen and quickly bows)_ Pardon me for asking this, but… are you truly the one who has sent us these invitations? _(holds up his invitation to the Queen, who smiles at him)_

White Queen: _(nods her head and smiles)_ Why yes, yes I am.

Sweeney Todd: _(his eyes widen at the Queen, then he approaches her with his brow furrowed)_ So if _you_ are the one who invited all of us to this tea party… then WHY did you invite us? We didn't even know who you were, until now. And I assume you have no idea who the rest of us are.

John Reid: You know he makes a good point.

Tonto: Yes, why you invite me?

Edward Scissorhands: And me?

Captain Jack Sparrow: And me?

Barnabas Collins, Willy Wonka, and Victor Van Dort: And us?

White Queen: Oh yes, of course. The reason I have invited all of you to this party is because—

_(The Queen is suddenly interrupted by a loud boom of thunder and a flash of bright red light, which causes everyone to jump)_

Alice Kingsleigh: What was that?

Angelique Bouchard: Don't worry, everyone. _(emerges from stage right and everyone backs away from her)_ It's only _me_.

_(Barnabas freezes at the sight of Angelique)_

Barnabas Collins: You…

Angelique Bouchard: Hello, Barnabas.

Sweeney Todd: Collins, you know her?

Angelique Bouchard: Oh yes, he most certainly _does_… and _I_ know _you_ too, Mister Benjamin Barker. _(smiles wickedly at Sweeney as Sweeney freezes in terror)_

Alice Kingsleigh: Who?

Charlie Bucket: Who's Benjamin Barker?

Judge Turpin: Oh, you don't know? _(emerges from behind the curtain and stand beside Angelique)_ Sweeney Todd is just an amusing, _pathetic_ alias he goes by these days; Benjamin Barker is this gentleman's _real_ name. Or should I call the Demon Barber from now on?

Edward Scissorhands: Demon Barber?

Sweeney Todd: _(freezes at the sight of Judge Turpin)_ You… J-J-J-Judge Turpin? But-but… but HOW? I saw your death! Hell, _I_ was the one who _caused_ it!

_(The children and women, except for Mrs. Lovett, gasp in shock)_

Willy Wonka: _(stares at Sweeney with wide eyes)_ You WHAT?!

Violet Beauregarde: You killed that guy?!

Barnabas Collins: You have failed to mention that little detail, Master Todd.

Sweeney Todd: That isn't the point. What are you doing here? _(glowers at Angelique and Turpin)_

Angelique Bouchard: Isn't it obvious? We're here for the party.

_(Everyone looks at Mirana)_

White Queen: No! I have only sent invitations to _you_, I swear!

Angelique Bouchard: Oh, _you_ didn't invite us, Queenie. We're _crashing_ the party, in case you're having a slow day. And I hope you don't mind, but Turpin and I brought a few more friends. _(links arms with Turpin and snaps her fingers)_

_(Lord Barkis Bittern, Jim, Lady Mary Van Tassel, the Headless Horseman, the Big Bad Wolf, Davy Jones, Captain Salazar, Mort Rainey, Butch Cavendish, Beadle Bamford, Signor Adolfo Pirelli, Dr. Wilbur Wonka, and Emily the Corpse Bride emerge from the curtain and make their way over to Angelique and Turpin. Everyone else freezes in terror)_

Willy Wonka:_ (stares at Dr. Wilbur Wonka in horror)_ Dad?! What are you doing?

Red Harrington: Butch Cavendish, back from the grave…

Jim: Hey, Kim. Miss me? _(smiles evilly at Edward and Kim)_

Edward Scissorhands: _(takes a step back in fear)_ Jim…? _(Kim affectionately takes a hold of his arm)_

Davy Jones: Ah, Jack Sparrow. We meet again.

Captain Salazar: Hola, Sparrow.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oh no, not _these_ bilge rats again…

Angelica: Um, Jack? _(slowly moves closer to Jack)_

Victor Van Dort: _(stares at the Corpse Bride in shock)_ Emily?! How could you?

Lord Barkis Bittern: _(glowers at Victor and Victoria as he wraps his arm around Emily)_ She finally saw the light, that's all.

_(Charlie notices the blank expressions in Emily and Dr. Wonka's eyes. He realizes something)_

Charlie Bucket: …They're hypnotized into doing her bidding.

Angelique Bouchard: _(glares at Charlie)_ Well, aren't _you_ a smart little bastard? _(approaches Charlie)_

Willy Wonka: _(puts his arm in front of Charlie to protect him and glares at Angelique)_ Stay away from Charlie.

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: _(scoffs)_ You're awfully protective of a boy who's not even your own son.

Barnabas Collins: _(steps forward)_ What is it you want, Angelique?

Mike Teavee: Yeah! What do you want, lady?

Angelique Bouchard: _(points a finger at Barnabas)_ His love! I know you still love me, Barnabas; somewhere deep down in that cold, unbeating heart of yours.

David Collins: He already has a girlfriend!

Augustus Gloop and Veruca Salt: Yeah!

Katrina Van Tassel: _(to Augustus and Veruca)_ Um, I think it would be best _not_ to encourage her.

Lady Van Tassel: Dear stepdaughter, will you ever learn…? _(Katrina backs away from her stepmother in terror)_ What is the matter? You look as if you've seen a ghost. _(the Headless Horseman puts a hand on her shoulder)_

_(Katrina hides behind Ichabod for protection; Ichabod removes his pistol from his belt)_

Tonto:_ (steps forward and takes a knife out of a holster on his belt)_ I will take Cavendish.

Butch Cavendish: Why don't you just call me a Wendigo, like you always did? _(takes a gun out of his belt)_

Mike Teavee: Wendigo? Aren't those things associated with cannibalism?

Elizabeth Swann: _(looks at Mike)_ And you know that _how_?

Judge Turpin: Enough! _(steps forward)_ Are we all here to converse… or are we here to _kill_?

Big Bad Wolf: _(steps forward)_ I rather like the sound of _that_ idea. _(smiles wickedly)_

Lord Barkis Bittern: I do too.

Butch Cavendish: Me too.

Beadle Bamford, Signor Pirelli, Davy Jones, and Captain Salazar: Us too.

Mort Rainey _(in John Shooter's voice)_: And me.

Lady Van Tassel and Jim: And us.

Willy Wonka _(hushed to Charlie)_: Charlie, take the other kids and the girls and get out of here while you still can. We can handle this.

Charlie Bucket _(hushed to Willy)_: Mr. Wonka, no. I'm not leaving you.

Willy Wonka _(hushed to Charlie)_: There's no time to argue, just go. NOW.

Big Bad Wolf: Not so fast. _(roughly grabs Charlie by the wrist and pulls him away from Mr. Wonka)_

Willy Wonka: Charlie!

_(The Big Bad Wolf is now holding Charlie tight, who's struggling to get himself free_)

Charlie Bucket: No, please! Let me go!

Big Bad Wolf: Not on your life. _(snarls at Charlie)_

Sweeney Todd: Release the boy.

Angelique Bouchard: Not until _he_ give in to _my_ demands. _(points a finger at Barnabas)_

Edward Scissorhands: He'll _never_ listen to you.

Angelique Bouchard: He'd better listen, or we'll have no choice but to make it difficult… for _everyone_.

Mrs. Lovett: _(nervously steps forward)_ And… why should _we_ cower before _you_ anyway?

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: She's right; you're outnumbered.

Red Harrington: You ain't got a chance.

Angelica: You might as well give up. _(takes a sword out of her belt)_

Judge Turpin: _(looks at Angelique, then chuckles wickedly)_ We were hoping you would choose… difficult.

Angelique Bouchard: _(sneers at Barnabas)_ Get them.


	6. Act 2, Scene 3

**Act 2, Scene 3**

_(Barkis, Jim, Lady Van Tassel, the Horseman, Davy Jones, Salazar, Mort, Cavendish, Beadle Bamford, Signor Pirelli, Dr. Wonka, and Emily run towards the group to attack, but the adults start to fight with 'Two Hornpipes' playing in the background on a loop. Iracebeth, Mirana, Mrs. Lovett, Kim, Katrina, Elizabeth Stoddard, Victoria Winters, Victoria Everglot, and Red run off to hide)_

Augustus Gloop: Oh my! Look at them go!

Violet Beauregarde: Hey… What are _we_ doing just standing around? We should be fighting!

Mike Teavee: Is now really a good time for a petty argument?

Veruca Salt: _(slaps Mike with the back of her hand)_ No! She means we should be fighting _them_! _(points at the villains)_

Mike Teavee: Oh… Well, what are we waiting for? Get 'em!

_(The four kids charge at the villains. Violet steps into the fight between the pirates and glares at Salazar and Jones)_

Violet Beauregarde: Leave the pirates alone, squid-face!

Davy Jones: _(laughs mockingly)_ Really, Sparrow? Having a little girl come to save your sorry hide?

Captain Salazar: I agree; that is truly pathetic.

Violet Beauregarde: You call this 'pathetic'? _(starts beating them up with various karate moves; Jack, Will, Elizabeth, and Angelica stare at the girl in shock)_

Mike Teavee: Go, Violet! Punch him in the thymus gland! _(runs over to Jim)_

_(Veruca pounces onto the Judge's back and starts pulling his hair with all her might)_

Veruca Salt: Stay away from him!

Judge Turpin: _(screams in surprise)_ What are you doing?! Get off of me, you little brat!

Veruca Salt: Never! _(wraps her arm around Turpin's neck and attempts to strangle him)_

Augustus Gloop: Yay! Go, Veruca!

Jim: _(punches Edward in the face)_ THIS is for wasting my time! And THIS _(knocks Edward to the ground)_ is for keeping me up all night! _(starts beating Edward with a metal bat)_ And THIS is for stealing my girl! And THIS is for not breaking however many times I wanted to hit you! _(Mike grabs the bat when Jim raises it up for another blow)_

Mike Teavee: Hey step off, you creep!

Jim: What the?! _(looks back at Mike)_ Back off, kid! _(attempts to punch Mike, but Mike quickly dodges every blow)_ Would you hold still?!

Mike Teavee: Not a chance, dude. _(scoffs)_ Who says you can't learn anything from video games?

Augustus Gloop: _(looks to see John Reid and Tonto in trouble; he runs over to Cavendish ad jumps onto him)_ Dogpile!

Butch Cavendish: Agh! What the hell?! _(struggles to get Augustus off of him)_ Get off, you little butterball! I said get off of me! You're crushing my ribcage!

John Reid: He's good.

Willy Wonka:_ (struggles to get Dr. Wonka off of him)_ Dad, stop! This isn't you! Please, listen to me!

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: Not until you give up this pointless, meaningless excuse of a career!

Willy Wonka: Pointless?! Meaningless?! You were _proud_ of me.

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: I have had enough of your foolishness, _William_! This ends NOW! _(raises a sharp dental drill over his head, hoping to strike Willy with it)_

David Collins: Mr. Wonka!_ (grabs Dr. Wonka's arm, snatches the drill out of his hand, and throws it off stage. Willy then pushes Dr. Wonka off of him with his legs and gets back onto his feet)_

Willy Wonka: Whoa. Thanks, David.

David Collins: No problem, sir. _(runs over to Ichabod with Willy running to Victor who is fighting Lord Barkis)_

Mort Rainey _(in John Shooter's voice)_: Hey, you little pale BITCH! _(raises his shovel to hit Mirana with it; she screams in fright before Tarrant grabs the shovel)_ Huh? _(turns around to see Tarrant crazily grinning at him; he snarls at Tarrant)_ Give me back my shovel, you wall-eyed clown!

Mad Hatter: Stay away from my Queen! _(throws the shovel out of Mort's hands and punches him right in the face which knock him out instantly. He looks at Mirana and breathes deeply)_ Are you alright?

White Queen: _(nods and smiles)_ Yes, thanks to you my dear friend.

Lord Barkis Bittern: This is for stealing my bride! _(holds up a sword and prepares to stab Victor with it, until Willy blocks the attack with his cane. Barkis gasps, then snarls at Willy)_ Out of my way, fool.

Willy Wonka: No way, creep. _(raises his cane and smacks Barkis with it many times until he finally passes out back stage. Willy comes back over to Victor)_ You okay?

Victor Van Dort: Yes. Now let's go help our friends. _(runs over to Tonto and John to help with Cavendish while Willy runs over to Barnabas to help him with Angelique)_

Red Harrington: _(turns to face Iracebeth, Mirana, Mrs. Lovett, Kim, Katrina, Elizabeth Stoddard, Victoria Winters, and Victoria Everglot_) Ladies, I think I'm gonna need your help.

Kim Boggs: Help with what?

Red Harrington: Could one of you be a doll and grab me a chair?

_(The other girls look at each other in confusion before Mrs. Lovett goes off stage, returns with a chair, and sets it in front of Red, who places her prosthetic leg on it. The other girls look at it in shock)_

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: What the hell is _that_?

Red Harrington: Ivory. But no time to explain; the boys are in trouble. I need a couple o' you gals to aim this little thing right at that headless fellow. We're gonna blow him to smithereens.

_(Victoria Everglot and Mirana nervously look at one another before going to help Red. They try their best to aim it)_

White Queen: I'm not certain this is a wise decision, Miss Harrington.

Red Harrington: It's the only option we have. But it's almost there, don't worry.

Victoria Everglot: Um, pardon me for asking this but… how did you acquire this appendage?

Red Harrington: Almost, and… right… _(a trigger suddenly pops out of the leg and a gun barrel emerges from the heel)_ …THERE! _(fires at the Headless Horseman who falls on his back in surprise. The other girls stare at Red in shock)_ What do you know? It worked.

_(The Horseman immediately rises and marches towards them)_

Katrina Van Tassel: It's working too well, IT'S WORKING TOO WELL!

Victoria Winters and Victoria Everglot: Run!

_(Alice runs back on stage with a large sword in her hands and lashes out at the Horseman. The two begin to fight, leaving the rest of the girls in awe, except Mirana and Iracebeth)_

Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard: Where did she learn how to swordfight like _that_?

Red Queen: Don't ask me.

_(Everyone was so enthralled in the fight that they hadn't noticed that the Wolf has snuck offstage with Charlie still in his grip. The rest of the villains have either been knocked out, killed, or released from their curse; the group of heroes and heroines are seen gasping in exhaustion and wheezing for air)_


	7. Act 2, Scene 4

**Act 2, Scene 4**

Mad Hatter: Is… is everyone alright?

All _(sans Hatter)_: _(general yes's)_

Willy Wonka: Dad! _(runs over to Dr. Wonka)_ Are you okay?

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: _(groans and shakes his head before he looks at Willy)_ Willy? …I'm fine. I'm so sorry, son.

Willy Wonka: Don't worry about it. _(Dr. Wonka smiles at his son as they shake hands)_

Victoria Everglot: Emily? Are you alright?

Corpse Bride: _(blinks a few times and looks at Victor and Victoria)_ Victor? Victoria? …Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, either of you.

Victor Van Dort: It's alright. You were just under an evil witch's spell.

Victoria Everglot: But she's gone now, so you're free. _(Emily smiles at them)_

Veruca Salt: Wait… someone is missing.

Elizabeth Swann: What? Who's missing?

Willy Wonka: _(pauses, then gasps in shock)_ CHARLIE! Oh my gosh, where is he?!

_(Mike runs off stage and suddenly screams)_

Augustus Gloop: Mike? Are you alright? Why are you screaming?

Mike Teavee: _(runs back to the group)_ Guys? …It's the Wolf. We forgot about the Wolf.

Ichabod Crane: _(nervously steps forward)_ He's still here?

Mike Teavee: Yeah, and Charlie's nowhere in sight… but I think I have a pretty good idea of where he might be. I'm gonna need a bit of help, though.

_(John Reid and Tonto walk offstage and after a minute, they return carrying the Wolf and they set him down onto the floor; he appears to be sound asleep)_

Victoria Winters: Well the Wolf is here, but where's Charlie?

_(Mike was about to speak again before everyone hears a strange muffled noise)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Oy, what's that?

Angelica: What's what?

Captain Jack Sparrow: That sound.

Red Harrington: Ya'll must be hearin' things.

Willy Wonka: Wait, wait, wait! Hold up! _(pauses and hears the sound)_ _I_ hear something too.

White Queen: I do too.

Corpse Bride: Me too.

Ichabod Crane: So do I.

Willy Wonka: If I'm not mistaken, I think I can make a… "Help! Someone, please! Help me!" _(nervously looks back at the sleeping Wolf before kneeling beside him. His eyes widened in shock as he looks back at the group)_ You don't think… _(gulps, reluctantly puts his ear to the Wolf's stomach, and freezes when he hears Charlie's muffled voice screaming for help)_ Oh my gosh…

Violet Beauregarde: Charlie was EATEN by this thing?!

Mike Teavee: That's what I was trying to tell you guys.

Willy Wonka: Hold on, gimme a second. Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Bucket _(muffled)_: Mr. Wonka? Mr. Wonka, is that you?!

Willy Wonka: Yeah, it's me! Are you hurt? Are you okay in there?

Charlie Bucket _(muffled)_: Partly digested and a little cramped, but otherwise fine. Just get me out of here!

Willy Wonka: Don't worry, Charlie. I'll save you. _(pulls away and stands straight)_

David Collins: What are we gonna do?! We have to save him!

Augustus Gloop: Maybe I could sit on him until Charlie pops out?

Mike Teavee: Come on, Augustus; be real. The only _logical_ way to get Charlie out of there is to… _(gulps)_ …cut open the Wolf.

Alice Kingsleigh: Cut him _open_?

Victoria Everglot: While he's still _alive_?

Corpse Bride: Isn't that a little severe?

John Reid: Says the dead woman who dragged an innocent man away from everything he knew and held dear to be her husband for all of eternity. _(Emily glares at him as Victor and Victoria non-verbally tell him to either shut up or to not bring that up)_

Tonto: _I_ say it is worth try.

Red Harrington: Why not?

Ichabod Crane: I agree, but the real question is… _(gulps nervously)_

Victor Van Dort: Who's going to do the deed?

Willy Wonka: _(turns to look at Victor)_ _I_ will. Charlie is like a nephew to me and if anyone here is gonna save him, it oughta be _me_.

White Queen: That is very brave and noble of you, Willy.

Sweeney Todd: _(walks over to Willy)_ Then you're going to need this. _(places one of his razors into Willy's open hand)_ It'll get the job done, trust me.

Ichabod Crane: Well in that case… you'll need to operate _immediately_, Wonka. _(goes off stage and soon returns with a long table covered by a cloth)_

Willy Wonka: Operate?

Ichabod Crane: _(sighs in annoyance)_ When I say 'operate', I mean of course you will need an operating _table_. _(taps his hand on the table)_

_(John and Tonto pick up the Wolf again and gently place him onto the table. Willy approaches the sleeping Wolf and gulps as he takes off his hat and gives his cane to Mirana)_

Willy Wonka: Okay, here we go. Charlie, here I come. _(to everyone else)_ Uh, some of you might wanna look away.

_(Veruca, Violet, Augustus, Alice, Mirana, Victoria E., Victoria W., Elizabeth C., Elizabeth S., Katrina, David, Kim, and Emily do as he says. Willy holds the razor at the Wolf's stomach, takes a deep breath, and then… he sticks the blade into the Wolf as the lights go off. A loud, pain-filled howl is heard followed by someone struggling)_

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka?

Willy Wonka: Charlie? Charlie, gimme your hands! Hold on, I got ya! _(groans as he struggles pulls something out of something else. He then yelps in surprise, followed by another young voice, as he falls onto his back with a thud. The lights turn back on and Willy is seen laying on the floor with Charlie lying on top of him)_

Charlie Bucket: Whoa. _(shakes his head and gets off of Willy)_ Mr. Wonka?

Willy Wonka: _(sits up, looks at Charlie, and smiles at him)_ Charlie, you're okay! _(stands up and hugs Charlie tight)_ Oh, thank goodness! I thought I'd lost you!

Charlie Bucket: Thank you so much, Mr. Wonka!_ (smiles and hugs Willy back)_

David Collins: Charlie! _(runs over to Charlie and Willy with Violet, Augustus, Mike, and Veruca)_ Are you okay?

Charlie Bucket: Yeah, yeah I'm okay. _(Alice helps Charlie back onto his feet)_

Red Harrington: I hate to interrupt the tender reunion, but… what are we gonna do with him? _(looks back at the Wolf)_

Tonto: We kill him in his sleep and keep the skins?

Victoria Everglot: Pardon me, but that sounds a little much… even for him.

David Collins: No, wait! I have a better idea. Charlie, I'm gonna need your help for this. Come with me. _(takes Charlie's hand and leads him offstage)_

Barnabas Collins: Master David? Where are you boys going?

David Collins: You'll see, Uncle Barnabas. Just give us a second.

_(Everyone hears a door open and after a minute, the door closes and Davis and Charlie return each with a bucket full of rocks)_

Mike Teavee: What are those for?

Corpse Bride: Wait, I know they're doing! They're going to fill the Wolf's belly with those stones! Just like in Little Red Riding Hood!

David Collins: Exactly! Now we need to hurry before he wakes up. _(he and Charlie run over to the Wolf and they empty the rocks into his stomach)_

Charlie Bucket: That should do it. _(sets his bucket down)_ Now we just need to sew him up.

White Queen: Don't worry, boys. _I'll_ take care of it.

Victoria Everglot: Then you're going to need these. _(takes out a needle and spool of thread and gives them to Mirana)_

White Queen: Oh, why thank you. _(takes the needle and thread)_

Ichabod Crane: Where did you acquire those tools?

Victoria Everglot: I found them backstage. I figured they would come of use.

_(Mirana stands over the Wolf and carefully stitches the Wolf's stomach shut as best as she could)_

White Queen: There, all done.

_(John Reid and Tonto then lift the Wolf off of the table, walk backstage, and everyone hears the door open. The Wolf is thrown outside and the door closes before John and Tonto return)_

John Reid: That should do it.

Charlie Bucket: I just hope none of us will have to hear from _him_ again.

Willy Wonka: Me too. But if he tries to harm you again, Charlie, he'll have to go through _me_. _(wraps an arm around Charlie's shoulder)_

Charlie Bucket: Thanks, Mr. Wonka.

Willy Wonka: Of course. _(turns to Sweeney)_ Oh, Sweeney. _(gives Sweeney back his razor)_ I believe this is yours. Thanks… and sorry about the blood and fur. I'm not used to doing that sorta thing.

Sweeney Todd: Yes, I can tell. _(takes the razor, pauses, and wipes it clean with a piece of fabric attached to his belt. He puts the razor back into his pocket and looks back at Willy)_ But it's alright. And you're welcome. You know, Wonka? …You're alright. _(reaches out his free hand to Willy and smirks at him)_

Willy Wonka: Really? _(pauses before he smiles and gently shakes Sweeney's hand)_ Thanks, Sweeney. And between you and me… you're pretty okay in my book, too.

Mad Hatter: That was very brave of you, Willy.

Captain Jack Sparrow: I agree.

Edward Scissorhands: Yes. And I'm just glad Charlie's okay.

_(Charlie smiles at Edward)_

White Queen: We all are.

Ed Wood: And CUT!


	8. Act 3, Scene 1

**Act 3, Scene 1**

_(Everyone freezes and looks at the audience as Ed Wood stands up from his front row seat with a big smile on his face)_

Ed Wood: That was perfect! _(runs up onto the stage and everyone backs away from him)_

Victoria Everglot: What was perfect?

Ed Wood: This! This whole thing! Oh my gosh, you guys were FANTASTIC! Good thing I got it all on film._ (looks at a movie camera near his seat and smiles proudly)_

Mike Teavee: …You were filming us THIS WHOLE TIME?

Ed Wood: Sure was. _(smiles at Mike)_

Willy Wonka: Hold up, hold up! …Who the heck are you?

Ed Wood: Oh right, none of you know who I am; my name is Edward D. Wood Jr., professional movie director. You can just call me Ed Wood for short. Nice to meet ya, Mr. Willy Wonka. _(offers his hand to Willy and grins)_

Willy Wonka: …You know who I am?

Ed Wood: Of course I do. I know _all_ of you. You know, I was starting to think those guys would _never_ show up; but I guess I was wrong.

Charlie Bucket: Wait… did _you_ call them?

Ed Wood: Those bad guys? Yeah.

_(Everyone looks at Ed in shock, then anger)_

Everyone _(sans Ed Wood)_: WHY?!

Ed Wood: Why? Because this show was getting _boring_. During the intermission, I just called Angie on the nearest landline to see if she could spice things up a bit, and boy did she deliver. And with those other guys she brought with her? This will probably be my greatest work yet! I'll be famous!

_(Mirana steps forward and looks at Ed. Iracebeth and Tarrant step forward as well, only to stop a few inches behind Mirana)_

White Queen: YOU are the cause of all of this chaos?

Ed Wood: Well I wouldn't exactly call it "chaos", more like problem-solving in a way. But yeah, I guess I am.

_(Mirana narrows her eyes at Ed, everyone else follows suit)_

Mike Teavee: Dude, not cool!

Violet Beauregarde: SO not cool!

Mrs. Lovett: Have you lost your marbles?!

Ichabod Crane: Are you out of your mind?!

Edward Scissorhands: What you did was wrong!

Victoria Winters: Someone could've gotten seriously hurt!

David Collins: Or maimed!

Elizabeth Swann: Or even _killed_!

Captain Jack Sparrow: We nearly lost the Bucket boy to one of those blokes!

Corpse Bride: You, sir, are completely MAD!

Mad Hatter: And not the _good_ sort, either!

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: I have half the mind to rip out all of your teeth right now!

Barnabas Collins: For your heinous actions Master Wood, the Piper _must_ be paid. Everyone, what say you?

All _(sans Barnabas, Mirana, and Ed)_: _(general agreements)_

_(The group, except Mirana, approaches Ed, only for Mirana raises her hand to stop them)_

White Queen: Hold on, everyone! Please! Allow _me_ to handle this. _(looks back at Ed, giving him a dark glare. She clears her throat)_ Mister Ed Wood? Your crimes against me and my companions are worthy of _death_. _(Ed freezes at the mention of 'death')_ However, that is against my vows to harm any living thing. Therefore, I must ask you to peacefully leave this place and _never_ return.

Ed Wood: Seriously? _That's_ all you got, Queenie? _(scoffs, then chuckles)_ Surely you can do SO much better than _that_. _(gently pushes Mirana away from him, which causes Tarrant to step forward and violently grab his arm)_

Mad Hatter: Touch Her Majesty again and I'll _kill_ you. _(angrily snarls at Ed)_

Ed Wood: Well… what if I don't want to leave? _(gets his arm free)_

John Reid: _(steps forward with Tonto)_ Then we'll just have to make you. _(Tonto hums and nods his head in agreement before they approach Ed)_

Ed Wood: Uh… _(backs up nervously)_ Okay, now I know you guys are mad, but think of it this way. When I release this footage in the theaters, you all can go see it. Of course we can discuss a preferred customer discount on tickets.

Willy Wonka: You're not getting off the hook _that_ easy, buster.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Aye, and let this be a lesson to you, mate. _Don't_ mess with _us_.

Sweeney Todd: Because if you do, you WILL face the dire consequences.

Edward Scissorhands: Whether you like it or not.

Ed Wood: No wait, wait, wait! _(John grabs him by the arm)_ Please, you can't kick me out! I—

_(Mort Rainey groans before he sits up; everyone else looks at him in confusion)_

Mort Rainey: Ugh, what happened? Where am I? What am I doing here? _(looks at the group)_ Who the hell are all of you?

Ed Wood: _(sighs in relief)_ Mr. Shooter! I mean, Mr. _Rainey_! Thank goodness! _You_ can vouch for me; get me outta here!

Mort Rainey: _(looks at Ed)_ I'm sorry, do I know you?

Mike Teavee: What happened to your accent?

Mort Rainey: _(looks at Mike)_ What accent?

Mike Teavee: The Southern accent. Don't you remember?

Ichabod Crane: Pardon me, Your Majesty, but… should _he_ be arrested as well? _(looks at Mort)_

Mort Rainey: Arrested?!

White Queen: Hmmmm… Yes, I believe you are right, Constable Crane. _He_ must atone for his crimes as well.

Mort Rainey: Crimes? Hold up, you're _arresting_ me?! For no reason?!

Veruca Salt: No reason? You attacked us with a _shovel_!

Mort Rainey: I did no such thing!

Violet Beauregarde: Uh, yeah you did, _punk_. Didn't he call you to hurt us?!_ (points a finger at Ed Wood)_

Ed Wood: Uh, little girl? The thing I forgot to mention about Mr. Rainey is that… he has a bit of a multiple personality disorder. _(grins nervously)_

Mike Teavee: You mean dissociative identity disorder?

Ed Wood: Exactly! Wait, how did you know that?

Red Queen: Enough already! Could someone PLEASE get those two out of here?

John Reid: Of course.

Tonto: With pleasure. _(grabs Mort by the arms before he and John drag Mort and Ed off stage right)_

Mort Rainey: No, wait! Stop! You can't do this to me! I don't remember anything that happened! I swear! What did I do?! Please let me go!

Ed Wood _(simultaneously)_: Come on, you guys! Don't take it so personally! It's all in good business! Or fun… whichever comes first! Please, you can't do this!

_(A door opens and Mort and Ed are thrown out. The door closes and John and Tonto return to the stage)_

Tonto: All taken care of.

White Queen: Are you certain they're gone?

John Reid: Don't worry, Your Majesty; we won't hear from _them_ again.

White Queen: _(softly sighs in relief)_ That's good. Now we are all safe… AND we can finally begin our Tea Party. _(smiles)_

Angelica: Tea Party?

White Queen: Why yes, of course Miss Angelica. The guests are all here, and we certainly cannot… _(turns around, slowly spreads her arms, and the curtains magically open to reveal long table beautifully set with any and all tea party need_s) …let all of _this_ go to waste, now can we? _(smiles at the group, whose eyes are wide with shock and awe)_ What do you say, everyone?

Willy Wonka: I'm in!

Edward Scissorhands: Me too!

Victor Van Dort: I am!

Johnny Depp: Celebrate what? _(walks back onto the stage)_

Captain Jack Sparrow: Master Depp, you've returned!

Johnny Depp: Well, I promised I would.

Edward Scissorhands: You're just in time for the Tea Party. _(smiles)_

Johnny Depp: Tea Party?

White Queen: Yes. Haven't you received an invitation?

Johnny Depp: Invitation? Oh, wait! Now I remember! _(digs through his pockets and pulls out an invitation)_ Here it is.

Will Turner: You invited _him_ too?

White Queen: Of course I did. After all, he _is_ the host of the show. And I certainly cannot forget the host.

Ichabod Crane: Excuse me, Your Majesty, but there's still one thing I don't understand. WHY did you invite all of us to this party?

All _(sans Ichabod and Mirana)_: _(general agreements)_

White Queen: Why? It was because I knew deep down that all of you would protect one another and become friends. Now let us celebrate.

_(Everyone gathers around at the table, but Mirana pulls out a phonograph and turns it on)_

White Queen: Now, what is a party without a little… _(turns the phonograph on)_ …music? _(smiles at Tarrant as music begins to play)_

_(Tarrant smiles, runs over to Mirana, bows before her, and offers his hand to her)_

Mad Hatter: May I have this dance, my dear Queen?

White Queen: _(grins and takes his hand)_ You most certainly may.

Sweeney Todd: Your Majesty, wait.

White Queen: Yes, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney Todd: I just want to know… WHY would you think the nine of us could become friends? We're absolutely NOTHING alike.

Captain Jack Sparrow: He makes a good point, Queenie.

White Queen: Well, that shouldn't stop you. Would you say you enjoy each other's company? Would you protect one if they were in danger? And… do you care for one another?

_(Willy, Tonto, Victor, Ichabod, Jack, Edward, Sweeney, Barnabas, and Hatter all look at each other curiously and smile. They looked back at Mirana and smile at her)_

Willy, Tonto, Victor, Ichabod, Jack, Edward, Sweeney, Barnabas, and Hatter: Yes.

White Queen: Then _that_ is all that matters. _(smiles back and begins to dance with Tarrant)_


	9. Act 3, Scene 2 (Finale)

**Act 3, Scene 2**

_(An instrumental for 'Friends Are Always There For You' starts to play)_

Sweeney Todd _(singing)_: I never thought that I would find a place

To step right in and start again

Barnabas Collins _(singing)_: I never thought that I could just begin

Right where I left off and make a friend

Johnny Depp _(singing)_: Don't ever think that it might be too late

You don't have to wait, there's no mistakes with the friends you make

A friendship's only made of what you bring

And if you do it right, you can do anything

David, Charlie, Veruca, Violet, Mike, and Augustus _(singing)_: Just use your eyes

This time, no lies

Just don't disguise

Who you are inside

_(Everyone starts to dance as they sing)_

Girls _(singing)_: Because your friends are always there for you

You don't have to be the same for friendship to be true

Boys _(singing)_: Because your friends are always there for you

Around the world, it's still the same

Together you have more to gain

There's nothing that a friend won't do

White Queen _(singing)_: Everywhere you go

Friendship there will grow

When you find it, it's the key

Friends can change the world, you see

All _(singing)_: Everywhere you go

Friendship there will grow

When you find it, it's the key

Friends can change the world

Friends can change the world

Friends can change the world, you see

_(End. Curtains close)_


End file.
